Shouting In Anger

This is an article I wrote for my friend Mastin Kipp’s blog – I hope you all enjoy it:

Shouting in Anger

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

– Buddha

I am certain that we have all lost our temper with loved ones, but why do we get so angry with those that we love the most?

A disagreement is caused by conflicting beliefs.

A belief leads to an understanding, which leads to an expectation, which becomes an emotion that governs our actions.

When we become angry we become louder because we want our point heard; ultimately we want the other person to change their opinion.

When we become louder the natural reaction of the other person is to become louder, too.

The more someone tries to get you to change your opinion, the more you want to keep it.

We start using our tongues as weapons to wound the other person and to make them concede defeat.

But have you thought what happens when we do this, do we actually feel victorious?  Have not those hurtful words uttered in anger become scars that we both now have to carry around?

Was it really worth all the screaming and shouting just to get your opinion across, when really you could have got the point across in a more conducive way.

Can you see that you are not only affecting the other person with your words but you are actually becoming a different person yourself?  Do you like who you become in an argument?

The first thing to remember is that just because you may have different points of view, it doesn’t make you enemies.

When a discussion is becoming an argument, take a step back and tell the other person that you love them and do not want to say or hear things that you or they may later regret.

Try and understand why they feel so passionately about the situation; put yourself in their shoes.

Write down how you feel and ask the other person to do the same.  Usually, when you read how another feels you can see things more clearly from their perspective.

The truth is that nothing positive is every achieved by having a war of words.  If you really want to get your point across do it in a calm manner.  Give the other person time to think about it. It may have been on your mind for a long time but it may be the first time they have known that it is something that bothered you.

Recently I read a beautiful story by Paulo Coelho that puts the point across beautifully.  So the next time you are ready to have an argument with a loved one take a step back and think about this wonderful story:

A master asked his disciples: ‘Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’

The disciples thought for a while, and one of them said, ‘Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.’

‘But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you? ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’

The disciples gave him some other answers but none satisfied the master.

Finally he explained: ‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.’

Then the master asked: ‘What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’

And he concluded: ‘When they love each other even more, what happens?

‘They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love.

‘Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’

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Priya is a Feng Shui teacher combining the wisdom of the east with the logic of the west. Visit her website here.

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